A Vamp Comedian Story
by Emilia Dutra Pinto
Summary: Spike as a stage comedian, Take care! Dirty jokes inside! Short & Finished. R&R!


A Vamp Comedian Story  
  
"You are a chicken, a bastard fearful coward!" The fat man cursed Spike.   
  
The blondy-decolored vamp looked at him with pity, he could rip the bastard's throat easily in his old times, yeah in his old times he would, and a new era began, now he has a soul. "Ok, I am, let me go."  
  
"Shut up!" The Fattie yelled very close of Spike's face, two henchmen were holding the vamp's arms from behind.  
  
Spike wanted to react now, but he was weak and confused by his new acquisition issues.  
  
"I paid for a damn comedian! You bastard! Now you are going out there and make me laugh!" The Fattie was the owner of the place, a dirty place, a crappy roadside strip-bar-motel environment, he was premiering his laugh-out-loud night, a night for comedians, comedians that should be lousy as the place was. The mayor of the city was the main supporter of the bar and he also obligated the owner to open this comedy night, the hired comedian the should present the show ran away, he has had a one-night-stand affair with the daughter of the mayor best friend, that threaten him of hang her in a tree with his own intestine, and also was there privileging the first performance.  
  
The city was Leprosa, California, a 1000 residents village in the way from Nowhere to Sunnydale, Nowhere was the place where Spike got her soul back, that nobody knows exactly where the hell it was. This unfortunate stop put the vamp in this situation, he got misplaced for resembling the coward comedian. Damn! He just wanted a place to throw up.  
  
Spike didn't resisted, he was almost fainting, the trip has wilted him too much, his next memory he was blue dirty curtains opening, he was sit in a wooden bench in the center of the stage, with a cheap microphone in his hand and being lighted by a dozen of multi colored lights.  
  
"Whores and Gentlemen! Please Welcome Randy Kandy!" This was the way Fattie announced Spike by his own microphone from behind the counter.  
  
Spikey could not see very well from the top of the stage but he counted four idle whores, two men wearing white cowboy hats, two waitress (that were also classified as whores by the lousy announcement), three man were companied by his hire-able companion ladies and five knocked down drunks. How could he improvise a complete comedy act!? "Damn it" He said standing up and raising the microphone to his mouth.  
  
He cleared his throat and pushed his mind, luckily he remembered some Brazilian jokes that he learnt about four years ago when he went there looking for Dru.  
  
Now just imagine Spike telling jokes with his ironic face.  
  
Joke # 1  
  
"A long time a go..." He stopped to think in a familiar name to put in his story "... a friend of mine named Riley Huckleberry Finn, who was road salesmen, arrived in a very small town, smaller than this one. At night he went to a bar, had a couple of beers, after a little visit to the restroom to do a little leak" smiled and blinked to the audience "he found in the corner table the beautiful, not the beautiful, I mean the most pretty girl he had ever seem in his whole life!" He gestured making the shape of a gorgeous girl in the air, the people stretched their necks, they were getting into the tale, he whistled like that wolf from old cartoons, then he continued "He got the butterflies in his belly, his stomach almost melted with the gastric juice that was pumping in result of his anxiety, he turned in a Budweiser in a second, you know, courage is beer, then he was ready to approach her. Hey hey, lucky boy, she got into shit chat easily. No lucky boy, she was a tramp, we know what she wanted hmmm? In less than an hour she was ready to play, she made it explicit in his ear making his eyes almost pop out!"  
  
He pause and shocked his head "Who could imagine that!? The girl, that little piece of heaven whose name was Anya, did not have any legs!" The public reacted strangely to this revelation "Do you think that was a problem!? Horny Girl! She was already used to it, she had a place to do THAT! Guess where?" He paused, his chest hurt, he breathed voluntary and deeply, as if he needed air in his lungs "At the children's' playground, she managed to get suspended by her hands holding one of that iron bars used to work out the biceps, instructed Riley to lay at the ground then she performed her ritual of love in her way and at her command, both got delighted at the end of three acts. Then the remorse abated Riley, how could he bang a girl like that, he was feeling damn bad! He drove her home staying totally quiet, he stopped the car at the front of her house, rang her doorbell and left her at her daddy's arms, Riley could sight tears rolling from the old man's eye and he could not even look at her face. The daddy moved the girl inside and got back in a minute. Riley waited for the worst, the man should shot him in the heart, and he felt that he rightly deserve it."  
  
Spike managed a little dizziness and raised his chin for the punch line "The old man turned to him smiling and still tearing, Riley could not understand, the man said: ``Thank you young honored man, there still good people in the world!`` Riley stepped back, the old man was insane, but Riley listened till the end of his explanation " ``She's being doing her affairs since her fourteen's, you were the first that got remorse and returned her home, all the other ones left her there swinging in the iron naked all night long!!"   
  
The reactions were distinct by the public, the men laughed like an idiot and the girls looked at him disgusted. But he felt what he wanted, the public should pay for that! He, William the Bloody as a bloody comedian! It should be a test for his new soul, but even with it, he wanted revenge, strange and peaceful, but still revenge.  
  
Joke # 2 (Getting worst)  
  
"Every year a younger fisherman, I mean, fisherwoman used to go at December to a lake not very far from here, her name was Willow, she always traveled there in order to get a very rare fish, that only appears during three nights by year. This last year she repeated the process, bought all hardware and worm-ware that was needed." Spike didn't know from where he was taking so much flippancy and predisposition but it was working alright, he continued "In the first night, Willow started the fishing when noticed a beautiful girl looking at her, her name was..." Spike thought, in which name " ... Tara ... " he have no issue with Tara, poor girl, but if the story was with Willow, Tara should be there too.  
  
"This girl was sitting in a wheelchair, Tara started a conversation, they talked all night long, making Willow getting distracted from her fishing, because Willow didn't want to hurt the feelings of the handicapped girl."  
  
"At the next night, Willow came with lots of equipment, she needed this fish on way or another. Damn! The girl was there again, Willow got divided, tried to manage talk to the girl and look at the fish, but the noise should scared the fish away!"  
  
"Day three! Willow as mad, and the girl? Was there again, this time Willow yelled with and cursed her, the Wheel-y went away, but no fish at all, Willow was damn pissed off! A year of waiting wasted! Suddenly the girl reappeared, with a horny smile and she said: ``You are mad... I can relieve it... I know you like girls as I do... Why don't you screw me up!`` "  
  
That pain and dizziness returned, Spike hold it at least to finish this joke "Willow did, screwed Tara! She threw the wheelchair in the lake!"  
  
Spike hit the floor of the stage at the same time the audience reacted.  
  
There is no Joke # 3 (The Monologue)  
  
Spike woke about a minute after his fall, the blur in his eyes easily dissipate, he sat in the bench and took the microphone back to his hand.  
  
He wasn't alone in the stage now, Buffy was there.  
  
"What are you doing here?" He said, smiling a little.  
  
"Looking for you!" Buffy said.  
  
"How do you...!?"  
  
"I always know!" She said getting in her knees and getting closer to him. "Pretty soul hmmm?"  
  
He just smiled and looked to the audience that was stared looking at him. The Fattie instructed the henchmen to go get Spike.  
  
"Can you kill yet?" Buffy asked.  
  
He stood up, getting ready for some action against the guys. "Slayer... Now I can not and do not want to either!"  
  
She smiled "Sooner or later we will work it out" and she started to whistle something.  
  
The henchmen attacked, now Spike managed a tactical defensive maneuver to do not attack them and get the shock from his human-defense chip in his brain. But when a third guy arrived he had to knock his head with the bench, throwing the guy out the stage and over the table that the mayor was sitting at. The electric pain charged, he ran away from the fighting and reached the backstage and soon the backdoor, at this time another fighting has began at the bar and the henchmen went there to protect the mayor and the Fattie, letting Spike run away.  
  
"Buffy!!! Buffy!" He tried to find the slayer, in vain, he broke a car and stole it.  
  
Next night Spike reached Sunnydale and got a shelter at the construction of the new high school building.  
  
He didn't remember about that night very well, not even if he saw Buffy there... He didn't touch her. Nobody else at the audience has saw Buffy. 


End file.
